Christmas Time is a Time of Joy

You would think that once the season of thanksgiving or holiday-cheer hit that people would act a little nicer. 

That is a bunch of bull-crap. 

No.

They are meaner and more aggressive. Risking their lives to get a parking spot or to get out of traffic. Then push their way through throng of people searching for the perfect gift for their friends and family. I mean, yeah, that is dedication. But if you have to hurt people in order to get it, you really need to think two things out:

1. Is the gift I'm getting for the person worth it? Is the person even worth it? Or am I just getting it because they are getting me something and I feel obliged? I mean if the person has been naughty this year then Santa wouldn't appreciate you giving them something. That's the whole point, right? But if you feel bad then do what Santa does, get them coal :)

2. What the heck is wrong with me? If I have to hurt little children or push old ladies over then I need to rethink my life. Very seriously.


So yes, if this is you, up above, rethink your motivations.


I love this time of year. Not only does it contain my two most favorite seasons but I love how everyone tries harder to be a little nicer. Whether it's because they are hoping for a present from Santa or they simply are feeling the special emotions that come with this joyful season.


Some people don't like this time of year because of the stress of finding a perfect present. So to make things easier for you guys I put up my Christmas list for you guys:


1. A hat, scarf, glove set
2. A book of poetry
3. Brandon Sanderson Books
4. A journal with blank pages (aka no lines)
5. Asian paper strips to make stars
6. Kitten (seriously, if I get one my mom can't say no)
7. Puppy
8. A whoopee cushion (my silly sense of humor to prank someone)
9. Any prank . . . stuff (watch out Encore)
10. A bamboo plant 
11. . . . 
12. A hug (a big, great, teddy-bear one)
13. A letter :)


I'm just kidding. This was purely for my family members who struggle with getting something for me. I'm not a picky person and don't show my emotions a lot so they have no idea what I love. Which is weird because they've seen the way I sniff the air constantly when I'm in the bookstore or the way my face lights up on Christmas day when I shop in Hobby Lobby. . . . Oh well.

Anywho, on to the subject of this blog.


As I was saying I love this season. I love sipping Hazelnut Hot Cocoa in the freezing cold. Watching the snow fall down, no matter how fast and incredibly scary it is coming down. I love watching the faces on people's faces, as they either light up or twist sideways as they open their presents from me. I love reflecting on Christ and on the reason he was born. The blessing I have received this past year and the things I have accomplished. I even like . . . ish reflecting on my mistakes and problems and how they turned out. Helps me see how much support and prayers answered I have received. 


I love going sledding with friends. I love ice skating and getting bruises on my bum. I love losing feeling in my nose and coming inside the house looking like rudolph. I simply love this season. I could never live in a desert (haha). It would be boring and I simply love the magic of things falling from the sky. Whether it is snow or rain I love the magic I feel when they come down in torrents or droplets. I feel as if they are blessings or promises of the future. They are sending a message to us. 


Just as the rain is a message of wiping away everything and giving you a new start so is the snow. However I love the snow more. It doesn't simply just come down wipe everything clean. It sits upon your mistakes and problems, hides them away from the world. However, only you are aware that they are there and slowly you know how to fix them. You know what to do, and you don't want to burden your family and friends with your problems so you slowly fix it. And with this Christmas time of giving you start to feel better about yourself. While rain is nice, it is only so with small, menial problems. Snow is wonderful for the big-life problems that we drown ourselves in. The snow freezes the water and gives us a chance to stand up on the water and find our way across the cracking ice onto solid ground.


Did I also mention how much I love the dates during winter time? You can go sledding, ice-skating, or my personal favorite: caroling for the homeless, in which you also hand out donuts, or the sick in the hospital. It is simply magical and I can't help but be giddily happy everyday of this special time. 


If you are scrooge (you know who I am talking about), take a step back and reflect. Yes you hate attention from receiving presents or you hate the stress. But don't think about that. Think about how much time the person reflected on you to give you that special present. Stop thinking about how much you have to do but reflect on all the time that is given to make this season special. It doesn't take a lot to make everyone happy. It can be a simple prayer for someone or a letter thanking them. 


That leads us to our next topic. Letters. I urge everyone to write letters to everyone in their lives that have made a difference or have simply been there for them. Write everyone from your church leaders, bishop, to a person who you simply notice at school whom you know could use a letter like this. Even write one to God. Yes a prayer is also advisable but I think he likes receiving letters as much as we do. Simply tie it to a balloon with a candy bar. We were made in his image so if our bodies crave chocolate then his must definitely so. Let the balloon go and watch it fly into heaven, he will get it I promise you. And if President Monson in the next general conference says that he received revelation from God thanking the special teens who gave him chocolate, you will definitely know you did something good :)


I hope everyone enjoys this Christmas season. If we keep Christ on our thoughts as we Christmas shop we will save little children and old ladies. We will also always have this special spirit, which i believe is the holy ghost dressed as Santa, with us at all times. 


With love,


Sarah Enoi Torgerson

Personality Test

So I took this quiz that Rachel Smith recommended. To me it was scarily accurate. But to others it might not be so true. So tell me, is it accurate? . . . 

INFJs, making up an estimated 1% of all people, are the most rare type (males even more so). They are introspective, caring, sensitive, gentle and complex people that strive for peace and derive satisfaction from helping others. INFJs are highly intuitive, empathetic and dedicated listeners. These traits tend to act as a "tell me what's wrong" sign on their forehead, hence the nicknames Confidant, Counselor or Empath. INFJs are intensely private and deeply committed to their beliefs "INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitiveindividuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types." "INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just asSP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect." "creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant..." Others see you as sensible, practical and modest. You are known to reciprocate the loyalty bestowed upon you, and those who know you well, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends. Equally, if that trust is ever broken, you are deeply affected. "...desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinelyenjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes..." "INFJs tend to be devoted to what they believe in and seek work where  their needs, values, and ideals can be deeply engaged. They move on the wave of their inspirations and are determined to see that their values are worked out in their lives. They will work toward their goals individually and, when needed, will put together a team of other highly dedicated people like themselves."

Type B: Artistic type You love caring for others. People find it comfortable talking to you and this enables you to gain their trust. Your personality usually leaves a good impression on those of the opposite sex who are sentimental. You value a natural style and love that which is uncomplicated. People admire you because you have both feet planted firmly on the ground and they can depend on you. You give those who are close to you security and space. You are perceived as being warm and human. You reject everything that is garish and trite. You tend to be skeptical toward the whims of fashion trends. For you, clothing has to be practical and unobtrusively elegant. Interesting facts Good through and through! Like to take care of everyone around them. Watch a lot of television. One of the most likely types to major in education in college. Reluctant to accept leadership roles. Common careers teacher bookkeeper librarian nurse entrepreneur photographer personnel counselor curator social services physical therapist Hobbies and recreation canoe trips cooking spending time working in the garden or home helping friends move or watching them play sports nature walks painting reading real-life adventure stories baking crafts picnics watching TV going to the gym or spa gardening

I  find myself getting quieter and quieter everyday . . . 


I get into this contemplative mood and then my mind goes reeling.


The tears build up and then I find myself at the mercy of my insecurities.


I feel like a child again but . . . only this time there is no one to give me a warm hug and let me soak their shirt.


I know who I am, it's not an emotional dealing of finding myself.


I'm not guilty . . . of any crimes or lies. 


I'm just me only . . . I want something but I just can't seem to grasp it. 


I feel so left out, so alone. I know I'm not but for so long I've helped people. For so long I have gone out of my way to make people happy. And it makes me happy to see their smiling faces. 


But now I'm having selfish needs. I want someone in my life to do the same. I want someone to write me letters or to call me on a whim to check up on me. I long for that security but alas life is hard and my sufferings, my menial problems mean nothing. So I will sit and wait and continue to smile and bring sunshine to people's lives. 

12/1/2011

Have you ever had one of those moments of desperateness? 


Have you ever felt like you were suffocating from the inside? The need to suck in air but it hurts to breathe? It hurts to think? 


Have you ever felt this pressure building up in your chest and it just stays there? It won't go away no matter how long you concentrate on it? 


Have you ever had your eyes start to hurt because of how much focus you are pressuring it to do? Your eyes ever just blur over when you lose focus for one moment before pushing back the liquid that built up in front of your eye?


I'm having one of those moments. 


A moment of desperateness. A moment of need. A moment of longing. A moment of a want of comfort. 


I want to be happy. And I am. But for so long I've built up these walls to keep myself safe. Then they were brought down *snaps finger* just like that. 


But now the things I've held back are running rapidly through my mind. It's tearing up my landscape full of tall, lush grass. It's causing me to over think and overreact over situations. I'm an emotional mess right now which . . . never happens. I'm always in control, I'm proud of it. But now what? I never learned to deal with these creatures of human nature. I only knew how to control them. 


So now I sit and wait. 


Listening for a voice to call out to me. 

Two Poems I wrote

Two poems I wrote. The first in class when I was bored and had a lot on my mind that learning was out of the question. The second at home when I was suppose to be doing homework but felt very inadequate. 


My poetry-writing skills suck quite frankly. I hate finding words that rhyme and I just can't write in this style. However I try and usually they turn out okay when I have a very troubled, muddled, and ready-to-collapse mind. So here it is: 


P.S. I hope you enjoy :)


First Breath


The long awaited breath was released
The breath of life, the breath of cause


The motion of my chest, up and down was a lie
A image of perfect life lies
I was alive, my beating heart told me so
However my soul, a hurt, a burn inside of me told me otherwise.
Cords bound me tightly, leading me towards who I was to be
"Guidance, miss," they told me 
"No heartache on this road"
I complied, not wanting to experience the pain knowing happiness can cause
But I felt it.


What started out as cords, restricting my movements, my actions
also became a blindfold
I was blind, scared of my own insecurities
Monsters that could eat my soul if let out
"No need to see the pain as well. You don't see, you can't feel. we know what will make you happy."
That happiness, that want for that feeling drove me.
I met people, they said hi
Then we moved on, face and names not seen or heard, voices forgotten
The chains slackened, the blindfold slipping
They knew what I feared. No need to make sure I was doing what I was told.
but their small mistake led to me freedom.


Along this road I continued
until I met a peculiar stranger.
No cords bound him when I shook his hand. 
And he could see for he complimented me.


He was smiling, I could hear because of the laughter that he sang
All this joyfulness despite the scars I could feel when I shook his hand
He ripped my blindfold off and made me see.
He knocked me down then made me stand tall.
He was stronger then them, they were scared of him.
I pleaded for him to stop, then I begged for him to help.
He never complied, he did as he pleased.
Then he left just like that
continuing on the road, stopping to help another bound soul.
It was then that I saw it, I don't know how I missed it
He had them too, bound on his body but instead of them leading him
He was leading them along.
Then I realized that them was a part of me
No matter how hard, I would always have them
Them were my insecurities
Them were my fears.
"We know what will make you happy."
They didn't know, they wished they did.
A smile graced my face, this time not a lie.
I stood taller then he taught my
My voice stern against the demons that once led me.
"You aren't me, so don't say you know who I am. We are one together, you are part of me. But you don't control me, I control you."
I looked up at the once stranger, prouder then proud.
He smirked and he nodded as he whispered these last words:
"We all have them, demons on chains, attached to our souls. Learn to control them. Take your life and learn to be free. Now you know your cause, your motivation for life. You've breathed for the first time, your long awaited breath. You've breathed the first breath of life and cause. Remember this moment and truly be free."




Lonliness
Loneliness, A painful past time
Each breath taken by instinct
Each breath taken selfishly, with no intent to live
Basking in our own sadness, tears of pity run down our cheeks
This burning pain in our chests,
the need to feel wanted and needed, overclouding all judgement
We seek after warmth, sometimes trenching too far north to reach it
Bitter snow, so numb, so sweet
We believe anything is warmth, even the cold hands of an enemy 

Castles in the Sky: My life

Castles in the sky: Our thoughts, hopes and dreams floating in the reality of our mind. They carry our desires and motivations for life, high above the landscapes of life. 

One problem.

We, or at least I, can't reach my castles. I have so many floating in my perfect sky. Many have crumbled and now the pieces ride the wind aimlessly. Many are decaying, abused from the storms of trials. Some have just simply vanished without a trace, my mind at peace of letting go of those dreams that were beautiful. Then there are those that just ride the breezes and endure the hurricanes. 

I watch them, gleaming under the sun, sparkling with dew from the rains, floating with no means of climbing onto it. For so long I have watched, thinking of ways, but never acting one them, and wondering why those beautiful dreams, in the face of disastrous reality, are mocking us. Up there they float wit no ladders, elevators, helicopters, no nothing to reach their alabaster walkways. 

Why? 

Why dream then if it isn't reachable? Why hope for things that will eventually turn into pieces of rocks? 

Why? 

Why? 

Why?

For so long wondered this. My castles were beautiful and slowly as the year started I had to watch them crumble. I had to watch them taint my perfect sky and have toxic air from the land of reality seep into paradise. Life, was in one word, hell. 

I had to a lot of thinking over these past couple of weeks. For so long a plan has been pounded into my head. Get good grades, graduate, get into a good college with a full-ride scholarship, become something that pays high, get married, and live life. Whoever said that this plan will fit into my life is a little swear word. I believed that plan, I stuck to it. I was motivated to do anything I could to follow it. I gave up classes that I so dearly wanted to take in order to take hard classes that colleges like to see. I gave up friend outings to hang out with my family or to study even more. 

Then senior year hit. Oh gosh how I wish I can go back. I lost it. My mental mind which had been slowly decaying, while my brain tried to deny it, finally cracked. I had a mental breakdown. Then another one. Then another one. Then one more sometime this past couple of days. My mind could not heal itself. I lost my motivation. My world was stormy and dark and no matter how I smiled or pretended everything was okay, I could not ignore this monstrous feeling of anger, jealousy, sadness, and longing clawing at my soul itself. Anger at my stupidity and not being able to think anymore. Anger at myself for being frustrated and stressed all the time. Jealousy for other people's lives. How happy they look, how much time they have because the classes they took were easy-peasy. Jealousy for other reasons that are embarrassing and plain stupid to list. Sadness because of what a disappointment I had become to everyone around me. And longing for something, someone to come and hug me. Hug me for a long time, let me cry, and then look me in the eye. Tell me that everything will be okay, it really will, and then hug me until I grab the courage to face my ruined life and continue on. 

My grades can be fixed but only to a certain level. College all I have to say is goodbye. I feel like jumping off a cliff or bridge or even just out my window. 

*No I'm not suicidal I promise. I don't have enough courage to that and quite frankly I want my first kiss before I go. I've waited too long for that moment to just die because I jumped off a stupid cliff.*

I even felt like cursing and swearing and saying every single profanity in the dictionary. Never in my life have I ever had that urge. I never had a problem with swearing, despite growing up around it and hearing it everyday. I just can never bring myself to say it. Heck I even struggled for a while to say "crap". However, this past couple of weeks the urge sat on my tongue and tried so many times to creep out. I have been successful at keeping it in at this point in time. 

But that were my thoughts. I hateful, blow to my self-confidence, extremely distasteful thoughts. 

I did some thinking and an epiphany came! I became aware of what I was doing wrong. One of the obvious things being that I had no motivation. If you don't have drive then your actions become meaningless. I wondered why I lost it but my heart told to stop looking for answers. The point in this was that I lost it so it must not have been a strong enough reason. It was not solid, it was simply a reason that I had picked because it was expected of me. Another was that I didn't try. Usually I never give up, ever. My grades in math last year are proof of it. Sometimes the problem is that I never know when to back down but this time I just gave up.I was sick of doing so much and getting nothing in return. I was sick of not being noticed when I did something good. Then I realized another problem I had. I can't focus. If I do its on the wrong things. School frustrated me and I hated it so of course I didn't focus. 

This had been a hard time. I never had a health problem besides eating too much cookies, but I've always had to deal with emotional trials. I am always in control and to suddenly lose control made me even more angry. To have this constant positive attitude slip and become a facade so people don't have to deal with my crappy, crabby attitude was hell on earth.

I have never prayed harder for something, ever, in my life. I wanted peace. All I wanted was for these stupid, ghastly feelings to stop eating at me. Then one day it came along with my epiphany. 

I know what it is I want to do. I want to sing in Encore. I want to be remembered as a nice, caring person. I want to succeed in my AP classes. I want to pass my AP tests. I want to go to college and become a nurse . . . or high school teacher . . . or even a linguistics professor . . . . Besides the indecision there in that gray area I know what it is I want and my motivation is back!

I’m still feeling stress, a little bit of anger, and sadness but we can’t get everything at once. 

My castles are being revealed to me. They had been there all along I just never bothered to look anymore. I never bothered to take time and look up into the sky and remember why I travel this road, land. 

My castles range in sizes and shapes, represented by my hopes and dreams. Some are big and impossibly high. Others lower yet still unreachable. Others are shaped like schools, only much, much better looking, and some are shaped like books :) One is even shaped like a Temple.

Yes I can’t reach them now but I will. As I traveled down the land of my mind I saw stairs on mountains. Climbing to the to revealed other castles. Castles with pictures hanging on the walls, documentation of how I achieved something. My dream, my motivation at that point of my life. 

Then like Henry David Thoreau I realized I didn’t have to worry if I “built my castles in the air. that is where they are suppose to be.” Now all I have to do is put “the foundations underneath them”. To achieve this I simply have to take time to look up into the sky, remember, then put that into actions. 

The Tiny ninja,

Princess Tiny

P.S. For good news I got a job at the Megaplex Theatre at Thanksgiving Point and the boy I asked to Sadies, Michael Boyd, said yes to me in the most ridiculous, hilarious, and simply adorable way. Look below :D 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IOs4jb0cL2c

All-State Choir

This year All-State Choir was directed by  none other then 


*drum rolls*


Mack Wilberg!


He was such an amazing guy :) He is such a cute, little, old man. He told us we were amazing each time and gently pointed out what we needed to work on. I felt as if I was just improving each time but never did something wrong.


But not only was the director amazing but I learned a couple of new things about the Lehi Encore teens. 


So here goes:


Tanner: He likes to pop up randomly in pictures. Is a gentlemen. Helped Ali balance her way across some bars and is just a silent watcher. And his voice is just . . . amazing. I heard him sing for the first time and gosh . . . Why didn't I know him before?


Brandon: Knows table manners that can rival the Kings. His fashion sense is superb. And he can sing really, really high. Amazing falseto.


Jo: . . . He has a duck blanket . . scarf-thingy . . . He has no fear. Oh and a range just like mine. A soprano.


Ryan: Is a germaphobe racist. Just kidding it was just a joke . . . No he such a gentlemen and gave me his coat. Ryan is a cool guy, keeps it together. But I saw him lose it on Friday. He was on something that day. 


Graylon: Lent me his coat also :) I felt like such a princess that day. He loves pictures and no matter how much he says he hates them, he knows he is a studmuffin.


Sam: He is a quiet boy. And doesn't want to feel like he is intruding into our Encore group even though we wanted him to. He is such a gentleman and is genuinely polite.


Becka: Such a sweetie. She can be harsh though so watch out Encore. She's got a firecracker spirit. 


Rachel:Dear sweet Rachel . . . She loves the merry-go-round and pretending to be a mannequin. She refuses to take coats from people even though she is shivering like a chihuahua and it is thrust in front of her . . . :)


Cassidy:Such a little hottie. Can't take compliments but I know on  the inside she is pleased :) When put with Ali and Tanner they can get really . . . hyper. But we love them and enjoy their their humorous ways.


Tanesha:Likes to be alone sometimes but also she has a motherly side :) She takes care of everyone and tries to make sure they are all unified.


Ali: Loves making double-chins at the Camera :) When put with Cassidy things get crazy but again We love them! Encore wouldn't be the same without your humorous ways :)

Asian Buddies!

Yes. We fit 6 people on a 2-sitter.

Studdmuffin Encore Boys












 Gorgeaous Encore Girls

Just an example of how Tanner just pops in pics.

Rachel my literature buddy