Friday, November 4, 2011

Castles in the Sky: My life

Castles in the sky: Our thoughts, hopes and dreams floating in the reality of our mind. They carry our desires and motivations for life, high above the landscapes of life. 
One problem.
We, or at least I, can't reach my castles. I have so many floating in my perfect sky. Many have crumbled and now the pieces ride the wind aimlessly. Many are decaying, abused from the storms of trials. Some have just simply vanished without a trace, my mind at peace of letting go of those dreams that were beautiful. Then there are those that just ride the breezes and endure the hurricanes. 
I watch them, gleaming under the sun, sparkling with dew from the rains, floating with no means of climbing onto it. For so long I have watched, thinking of ways, but never acting one them, and wondering why those beautiful dreams, in the face of disastrous reality, are mocking us. Up there they float wit no ladders, elevators, helicopters, no nothing to reach their alabaster walkways. 
Why dream then if it isn't reachable? Why hope for things that will eventually turn into pieces of rocks? 
For so long wondered this. My castles were beautiful and slowly as the year started I had to watch them crumble. I had to watch them taint my perfect sky and have toxic air from the land of reality seep into paradise. Life, was in one word, hell. 
I had to a lot of thinking over these past couple of weeks. For so long a plan has been pounded into my head. Get good grades, graduate, get into a good college with a full-ride scholarship, become something that pays high, get married, and live life. Whoever said that this plan will fit into my life is a little swear word. I believed that plan, I stuck to it. I was motivated to do anything I could to follow it. I gave up classes that I so dearly wanted to take in order to take hard classes that colleges like to see. I gave up friend outings to hang out with my family or to study even more. 
Then senior year hit. Oh gosh how I wish I can go back. I lost it. My mental mind which had been slowly decaying, while my brain tried to deny it, finally cracked. I had a mental breakdown. Then another one. Then another one. Then one more sometime this past couple of days. My mind could not heal itself. I lost my motivation. My world was stormy and dark and no matter how I smiled or pretended everything was okay, I could not ignore this monstrous feeling of anger, jealousy, sadness, and longing clawing at my soul itself. Anger at my stupidity and not being able to think anymore. Anger at myself for being frustrated and stressed all the time. Jealousy for other people's lives. How happy they look, how much time they have because the classes they took were easy-peasy. Jealousy for other reasons that are embarrassing and plain stupid to list. Sadness because of what a disappointment I had become to everyone around me. And longing for something, someone to come and hug me. Hug me for a long time, let me cry, and then look me in the eye. Tell me that everything will be okay, it really will, and then hug me until I grab the courage to face my ruined life and continue on. 
My grades can be fixed but only to a certain level. College all I have to say is goodbye. I feel like jumping off a cliff or bridge or even just out my window. 
*No I'm not suicidal I promise. I don't have enough courage to that and quite frankly I want my first kiss before I go. I've waited too long for that moment to just die because I jumped off a stupid cliff.*
I even felt like cursing and swearing and saying every single profanity in the dictionary. Never in my life have I ever had that urge. I never had a problem with swearing, despite growing up around it and hearing it everyday. I just can never bring myself to say it. Heck I even struggled for a while to say "crap". However, this past couple of weeks the urge sat on my tongue and tried so many times to creep out. I have been successful at keeping it in at this point in time. 
But that were my thoughts. I hateful, blow to my self-confidence, extremely distasteful thoughts. 
I did some thinking and an epiphany came! I became aware of what I was doing wrong. One of the obvious things being that I had no motivation. If you don't have drive then your actions become meaningless. I wondered why I lost it but my heart told to stop looking for answers. The point in this was that I lost it so it must not have been a strong enough reason. It was not solid, it was simply a reason that I had picked because it was expected of me. Another was that I didn't try. Usually I never give up, ever. My grades in math last year are proof of it. Sometimes the problem is that I never know when to back down but this time I just gave up.I was sick of doing so much and getting nothing in return. I was sick of not being noticed when I did something good. Then I realized another problem I had. I can't focus. If I do its on the wrong things. School frustrated me and I hated it so of course I didn't focus. 
This had been a hard time. I never had a health problem besides eating too much cookies, but I've always had to deal with emotional trials. I am always in control and to suddenly lose control made me even more angry. To have this constant positive attitude slip and become a facade so people don't have to deal with my crappy, crabby attitude was hell on earth.
I have never prayed harder for something, ever, in my life. I wanted peace. All I wanted was for these stupid, ghastly feelings to stop eating at me. Then one day it came along with my epiphany. 
I know what it is I want to do. I want to sing in Encore. I want to be remembered as a nice, caring person. I want to succeed in my AP classes. I want to pass my AP tests. I want to go to college and become a nurse . . . or high school teacher . . . or even a linguistics professor . . . . Besides the indecision there in that gray area I know what it is I want and my motivation is back!
I’m still feeling stress, a little bit of anger, and sadness but we can’t get everything at once. 
My castles are being revealed to me. They had been there all along I just never bothered to look anymore. I never bothered to take time and look up into the sky and remember why I travel this road, land. 
My castles range in sizes and shapes, represented by my hopes and dreams. Some are big and impossibly high. Others lower yet still unreachable. Others are shaped like schools, only much, much better looking, and some are shaped like books :) One is even shaped like a Temple.
Yes I can’t reach them now but I will. As I traveled down the land of my mind I saw stairs on mountains. Climbing to the to revealed other castles. Castles with pictures hanging on the walls, documentation of how I achieved something. My dream, my motivation at that point of my life. 
Then like Henry David Thoreau I realized I didn’t have to worry if I “built my castles in the air. that is where they are suppose to be.” Now all I have to do is put “the foundations underneath them”. To achieve this I simply have to take time to look up into the sky, remember, then put that into actions. 
The Tiny ninja,
Princess Tiny
P.S. For good news I got a job at the Megaplex Theatre at Thanksgiving Point and the boy I asked to Sadies, Michael Boyd, said yes to me in the most ridiculous, hilarious, and simply adorable way. Look below :D

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