Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The ugly duckling stage

Everyone goes through an ugly duckling stage. Everyone. If all you see are beautiful, flawless pictures I bet you anything the ugly-duckling pictures are 1. either burned or 2. hidden in a secret vault. No one escapes through this stage of life. But be thankful, no one could have had a worse ugly-duckling stage then me. Shy, braces, glasses, and awkward all stuffed into one body makes for a very ugly duckling. 

That was me. And I can laugh about it now because I am now a swan . . . kind of. I'm still in the transitioning stage.

However there is a reason why everyone goes through this process. It's called: finding who you are. Just as your physical self takes time to transform so does your inner-self. It's not easy, trust me. If you don't go back and look at that picture above. I understand. I was the ugliest duckling of them all and I was trying to find myself at the same time. My self esteem was negative infinity. It was a hard time. But like all trials they shape us to be who we are. 

My physical appearance was easy to fix. I got my braces off. Got contacts, however sometimes I still wear glasses due to my bat-eyes but that is okay because glasses are attributed to nerds and I am proud to be one :). I learned to deal with evil zits and pimples. Then I learned how to put on makeup but over time gained a confidence to embrace my natural self. Oh don't be kidding I still use makeup time to time. I also learned how to dress, coming out of the tom-boy phase.

My inner self was not so easy. 

My soul I saw was covered with zits and pimples. My hair was greasy and flakes were flying off. My teeth not as straight as they were now. My skin dry and peeling. Yeah I basically described a cross between a zombie . . . and somewhat human. That was my soul. It was ugly in the sense that I hated myself. I made myself look that way inside. And what was on the inside reflected out so I did not like my face, body, and everything else.

Then one day I decided to change. Nope, just kidding I didn't just decide one day. People had to tell me I was okay the way I was. It took forever. As in two years, my freshman and sophomore year. As I started to find the good and not the bad. The more I started to love myself. I saw that I was kind to other people. I have a shy side but once someone gets to know me they would know that I love to talk. I make spelling mistakes everyday, and it doesn't, nor will it, ever change. I'm a potter nerd and have fetish for notebooks. I love the smell of rain and vanilla and I am proud of being Hmong . . . half-Hmong and half-white. I still believe in happily ever after and I listen to every single genre of music (except for rap because rap is crap, don't worry I listen to like two rap songs). There is so much more but that would take forever. I know who I am and that won't ever change. 

I have my dis-funtional family, weirdo friends, and the gospel, which I know to be true, to thank. They all helped me find myself. They didn't tell me who to be. They told me who I already was and I developed it. I love myself, squinty, baggy eyes, cheesy smile and all.

So are you an ugly-duckling or a swan? I'll tell you now that you are a swan (except you middle-schoolers, you are still developing. sorry but wait until high school . . . maybe . . . just kidding, this only applies to the boys . . . just kidding again. you know who you are). Embrace your inner-swan. Whether you have red feathers or purple. You are a beautiful swan.

the hopeful half-asian,
Sarah E. Torgerson

P.S. for you men out there who are too manly for the swan concept. You can be the eagle . . . or some other bird. you can be the hulk for all I care, just realize you are freaking amazing as well :)

Sunday, September 25, 2011

For many who know me know that I am a dreamer. I'm 17 years old and still believe in prince charming and happily ever after. As I near the end of my high school life and move closer to college the more I imagine the future. Who am I going to marry? What will he look like? When am I going to meet him? My plethora of questions go on for miles. The questions remained locked in the back of my mind as I continued on with my life, not caring about marriage. I mean I was only twelve, I didn't want to think about that at that age. Then today, coincidently, in church the questions returned ten-fold. 

We had to write down a list for our "Man to be . . . ". It was a funny title name but I wrote the list down. Many of the other girls were listing physical attributes, not caring about his character. For me, yes, you have to be attracted to the guy but . . . physical attractiveness exists through the heart. Once upon a time I had a crush. Handsome fellow he was then I saw his jerkish ways. The crush was terminated. Once a upon a time I met another guy. He was a nerd in every possible way. However he was kind and respectful. A crush was formed. 

So my list goes like this:

1.Can make me laugh: I laugh easily and I believe it is healthy for the soul.
2.Supports me in what I do: I am a shy person and sometimes become very uncertain. So to have someone who can just support me is a nice thing for me.
3.Respects his mom: I can not stand people who talk bad about their parents. Especially boys who talk crap about their mother. The way a boy treats his mother is the way he will treat a girl. With or without respect.
4.A return missionary: This is more on the religious side but one that is important to me. I want to know that he loves the church and his God.
5. Attractive spiritually: I want to see that he isn't afraid of his religion. Knows who he is and just emits kindness.
6.Love God more then me: This sounds bad . . . but one that is true. Yes he has to love me but if I had to choose between following the love of my life down a bad path to following God, I would choose God hands down. No questions about it. This proves that he is a strong in the gospel and loves and knows his Heavenly Father. It probably will never make sense to anyone but to me it is important.
8.Sense of humor: My family is disfuntional. It's true and no family can compete with ours. It's so crazy but I love it. And my husband better love it and the only way is if he has a sense of humor.
9. Strong testimony: He can't be afraid to share it. 
10. Grows stronger through trials: As I hope to be firm throughout trials I hope he is too. Yes I know sometimes we falter but in the end, hopefully we end up back on the right path.
11. Has determination/Hard worker: He may not be the brightest crayon in the box but he better have determination. I hope he never gives up and works harder to achieve what he wants to achieve.
12. Have perspective: Perspective is everything for me. I don't like first time judgements. Yes I sometimes struggle with it but it is important to see both sides of a situation.

So my list will probably grow in the future. But for right now it is the way it is. Making this list makes me excited for the future and I am willing to wait. 

Yes I have never had a boyfriend nor have I had my first kiss. Yes I want someone to care for me but the right boy hasn't come by yet. I will most likely experience heartache's in the future but not right now. I have fun with dating different people and getting to know everyone. I am still developing myself and no boy is going to stop me from becoming who I am suppose to be, who I am capable of becoming. As I hope my future man to be is remaining true and trying to become someone I can be proud of, I hope to become someone he can be proud of and love. 

This doesn't mean I'm off limits and I'm holding "X" signs up. No it just means that I am not in any rush, nor am I desperate for a guy. I know who I am and I don't need a guy to define me.

Your little asian blogger,
Sarah E. Torgerson

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Homework is my favorite :) . . . . . . . . . . . . :/

It was a beautiful summer day. The sand warm beneath my feet, the ocean waves crashing over in the distance. It was inviting me, promising me a cool dive. I take that invitation.

Long analogy short, basically I drown.

What is the water?

Yes, you guessed it.


Evil, vile, disgusting, hideous, *insert nasty word of choice* homework.

I am drowning in it and I can't swim. Analogy or not I really can't swim so to have this fear of water mentally and in reality really is not good for my health. I need one day without school (weekends do not count) to go over everything without stressing about time.

School was suppose to be fun this year but no. Classes are fun. The people are great however the homework isn't. So is the backpack I carry. It's heavier then last year which isn't cool. So here I am ranting about my stupid, pathetic homework life. My love life is fine . . . I don't have one so yeah, it's fine. My social life is picking up . . . kind of. And my personal life is good, no drama so perfect. Well wait . . . the prank was a little dramatic so my personal life is 95% good.

Why am I writing about this?

Well I'll tell you it's because that is all I can think about right now. Homeowork, homework, homework. Yes I misspelled the first homework and I don't even care. That is how much I hate homework.

Drowning in paper, pens, pencils, and books,
Your ranting, red-in-the-face, little asian,

Monday, September 19, 2011

Encore Debut Prank . . .

This story begins on a Saturday morning of September 17 of 2011. It takes place at a dock in Saratoga Springs. Lehi Encore was there taking pictures, four boys oblivious to the mind of an asian girl and what she was capable of. The pranking doesn't take place at the docks, no it takes place at the house of Miranda Williams. Everyone walks in and takes off their shoe, the first step to a pranking idea. Donuts and water were served, games played. Some left early, some left late. For the late-leavers it was a mistake. Shoes were scattered across the yard as the early-leavers left. One of them being the prankster, the little asian girl, the one no one suspects. Adrenaline starts rushing, her first bad deed of the school year forming in her mind. She runs across the yard after the early-leavers drove off, grabs four shoes and jumps into her car. She drives away, adrenaline still pumping. It wasn't until she got home that the guilt started to come. . . .

So basically I pulled a prank. Funny thing was that no one suspected me . . .  It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Sigh. They never learn. But Gray, bless his heart, made it seem like a good thing. He got new shoes so . . . I guess I did a good deed. Austin, such as sweetheart, just wore mismatched shoes to school. He was cool with it but looking at those not-soulmated shoes made me feel the guilt start to build up even more. Tanner, such a weirdo, love that kid, just hugged his shoe as if it was a long lost brother or something. Chandler was the one that made me just burst from the seams. He was angry beyond words. Tanesha, bless her, took his yelling. So, yeah, don't pull pranks on Chandler. He won't take it well.

I learned my lesson . . . kind of. I still want to pull more pranks oddly enough. It was so much fun because I have been such a goodie-good girl my entire life this experience is like a drug. So if you want to pull a prank contact me. We should hang and let our devious ideas out. However I have rules:
1. It can't hurt another persons feeling. We have to know this person can take it.
2. It can't be illegal, though I have a list of "bad things to do" I will not do illegal things.
3. . . . I have no idea but I do have my limits.

Thank you Gray, Austin, Tanner, and Chandler for taking the brunt of my prank. I hope you enjoyed those Airheads I got for you. . . .

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Facebook Friends . . .

Dear friends who have "liked" my status,
Thank you for giving my something to write on and being wonderful friends. They say people come into our lives for a reason. I don't know if I believe in fate, it is something I've thought about but never could comprehend. I definitely know that there is something in store for us but it is up to us to take charge and go forewards. Yes there are roadblocks but we will always have friends to help us along the way.
All that was said is the truth. You are all amazing and I admire every one of you. Every single person on this blog, and many others, has inspired me in some way to be a better person. I hope with this blog to inspire people and allow them to see the world with a new perspective. To see them themselves as a beautiful, handsome individual.
Love your friend,
Sarah Enoi Torgerson

Emily Wirick: You cute girl, you :) You are an amazing pianoist. I enjoy being in your company. You are one of the sweetest person I have ever met. Your voice is matches your personality: soft, beautiful, and so serene. I enjoy being in Young women's with you and hope to get to know you better in this coming year.

Brittany Nielson: I am excited to be on Chinese council with you! I have seen your artwork and am amazed and honored to know someone with talent to the extent of yours ;) I enjoy singing with you in A'Capella and talking with you. Though we don't know each other really well, I know I can always talk to you about anything. You have such a humble heart and sweet spirit.

Samuel Loyd Davis: Oh my gosh! I can't believe you graduated (not in a "i think you are stupid" way just in a "wow you are going to college" way)! I enjoyed being in Chinese class with you for the past two years. You have been a source of many nerdy talks, which I enjoy because people don't talk smart these days, and fun comments. I better see a mission in the future, which I don't doubt because you are just an awesome guy :)

Sarah Kala Crandall: I still can't believe your parents knew my dad while he was on his mission. This world truly is small :) I am so honored to have you as a friend. I know I can always count on you for anything. You have such a sweet, calming spirit and I enjoy hanging out with you. Your pictures are gorgeous but you are even more beautiful in person because your inner beauty just shines out when someone is talking to you. You are also one of the craziest smart person I know. I know you have a bright future and in 10 years I can tell people that I know you because you will be famous :)

Tanesha Rae: I will be honest. I was scared of you and extremely intimidated by you when I first met you. However as I went to school with you and was exposed to your humorous nature I have lost that fear. You have a strong personality, something that is very hard to find in a person. I enjoy being in your company because I know I will always get a good laugh out of it. You are very sarcastic person and can laugh in any situation. I can't wait to work with you more in the future as your Vice Pres. :)

Lauren Larson: I miss you! So much! I hope you are enjoying College life up at BYU Idaho :) I can't wait to see you for Chinese New Year :) When you come back we need to do something with Lazy Asian. You are so sweet Lauren and an avid Sherlock Holmes fan :) You are kind to everyone and are amazing at speaking Chinese. I still have the pillow you made me for Christmas, it's on my bed. You are going to find a great guy, you won't last. Someone is going to snatch you up :)

Aunt Emily: You are a fun aunt! You are bubbly all the time and I enjoy hanging around with you. You are amazing at hair, I learned a lot from you. I enjoyed the family reunion in August and can't wait to see you guys again :)

Miranda Jarman: I miss you! So much! I hope you are enjoying college and are making new friends. But then again you are Miranda you make friends with everyone you meet :) You are a fun person to be around, you just bring such a brightness into the room and I have never seen you not smiling. You are such a happy person that it's hard not to like you. I hope I see you at the Chinese New Year celebration :D

Esther Rowland: I miss having you in young women's :( But I'm glad that we still talk. I can tell you anything and you are such an example to me. Your girls are really lucky to have you as a mom and they are gaining your kind heart and sweet spirit. I will have to come by and catch up with you soon, it's been to long :) Love You!

Amy Hanks: You are one crazy talented person! Your hands do amazing things. They cook good food, they make books, they crochet kawaii things, the knit, they sew, they scrapbook. Yeah, freaking amazing. I want to learn more from you so if you get a call one day don't be surprised :) I miss you in young women's but we are going to have another activity with you. I want to learn more from you before I leave for college :)

Yennie Nguyen: You are so sweet! You are so smart at math and I admire you for moving on the AP Calc. I'm happy that you were able to return from Vietnam and that we can be in choir together :)

Shay Stockstad: Oh Shay, you are just amazing. Your voice is one that I am incredibly jealous of and the thing about it is that you are so humble about your talent. I love your love of Avatar: the last airbender, Harry Potter, and Jack Skellington. I enjoy being in your company you are just so sweet and I can have a drama-free time with you :) I enjoy being in Encore with you and enjoy singing with you.

Ryan Ditty: I love how you told me you love everything Asian. It's funny quite humorous and I now promise to make you homemade Pho, eggrolls, and pho. You are so amazing at Chinese and I lessons. I can pay you with food. You are an avid Harry Potter fan and I'm jealous of your early entry into Pottermore. You are such a nerd, which isn't bad because everyone is one is some way. You are a handsome nerd though. I enjoy singing in Encore with you and can't wait to get to know you even better this year :)

Seulbee Lee: I miss you! Like, a lot! You are such a funny person to be around and am sad that you moved before we could hang out again. You are so talented Seulbee and am jealous that you can watch dramas without subtitles :) You are so sweet and blunt at the same time, only you could pull that split-personality :)

Pili Lee: You are so sweet! I miss you a lot! I hope I can see you next year of June when I come to China. We are going to be staying in Hong Kong for 3 days. I remember you being so quiet yet holding so much talent. You are so smart and musically talented. I see a bright future, really, really bright :)

McKelle Shaw: You have an amazing voice. You are also an amazing actress. You took me under your wing last year in A'Capella and I appreciated that very much. What you wrote about me on your blog made my day and your blog in general makes me smile. You have an amazing fashion sense and I wish I had your clothes :)

Aunt True: You are so . . . True. You have a personality in of its own. I enjoy it when you guys visit, it provides a source of entertainment. I love you guys so much and hope that everything is well up there. I hear snippets of Hmong but I get the gist of what goes on. I can't wait for the major vacation next year, though we could see each other sooner if you guys visit for Christmas :)

Uncle Bruce: My gangsta uncle, or least that's what I tell my friends. Makes me seem cool and chases any stupid boys away :) You are all though and all but really you are just a big teddy bear :) I miss you guys and love you so much. Our family is crazy and so disfunctional but I wouldn't trade it for anything :) P.S. You guys should come down for Christmas

Raven Kuran: I remember you from Seminary and as the girl who is shorter then me :) It's okay short people are just naturally cool, we don't have to work for it :) I don't know you that well but I remember you having a sweet spirit and strong Lehi pride :)

Uncle Robby: Oh me, Oh my. I miss watching you torture Mai. It was pure entertainment. You have such a sarcastic humor and fun nature. I miss seeing you but not the fear of you tickling me :) I love you one of my favorite uncles and hope to see you soon :)

Brenna Lenker: Darling I miss you. End of story. I haven't seen you in so freaking long. We need to hang out. You are such a fun girl to be around and I hope to see you soon okay? Okay :)

Zakkary Coomes: You are one fun guy. We don't have any classes together but we just became friends. I see you say hi to everyone and you are friends with every one of them. You are just a cool guy and I'm glad that I know you :)

Sung-Lee Suaste: Oh my gosh you handsome fellow! We haven't talked in so long :) I think you are such a down-to-earth kind of guy. I don't you extremely well but I certainly am a lucky girl that you gave me that note. You were so brave and I am so happy that guys like you exist in the world. Gives me lots of hope for college. That note made my day, actually year. I'm not a really outgoing girl and am called intimidating for some reason . . . but I'm glad you had that courage. I'm glad that I can talk to you and hope to see you face-to-face sometime soon :)

Matt Cranford: I hope you are keeping up with Chinese! I miss our old Chinese class, now it is so intense being the only girl among startalk geniuses. You have a sense of style. You don't just put on jeans and a shirt, you are always put together. Your music taste is amazing. You are also really smart. I didn't know that you were into . . . I forgot but I know you are really smart. Plan that mission you handsome studmuffin, you :)