My foolish trust

To everyone I know I have this naivety about me that allows me to give my undying trust to everyone I meet. 


However I have the biggest trust issues. Everyday feelings and thoughts of distrust flow through me. 


I am a easy-flow kind of girl. I go with the flow and do what is asked of me. You can go ahead boss me around I don't care. It's your problem. I know who I am. I know my standards. I just don't like being in charge. You never know who likes your rule or not. And I rather be in everyones good books. 


But because of this characteristic of mine, people walk over me. They take advantage of me. They use me. They do whatever the crap they can to control me. 


Distrust sets in. Anger. Frustration at being walked over. Looked over despite all my efforts to please. Despite all my efforts, what I do is given to someone else to take credit for. 


Despite all these things I continue to give them my trust. Distrust will knock on my heart all it wants but I won't let it in. 


Why?


Why do I continue to believe they are good when obviously they don't care for anything but the power they can grab hold of?


Why do I continue to live as if no injustice has happened?


Why, why, why?


I ask myself this every time. This thing has been going on for years. I have seen good, kind people show their ugly, true face when they are given the opportunity to be in charge. They want to feel important, don't we all? However I don't want to grab that attention that way. 


I feel pathetic. Oh how stupid. How ridiculous. 


The only answer I can come up with is that I . . . don't want to always see the evil in everyone. I want to see the good. No matter how tiny, no matter if it doesn't even exist. I want to see it. I refuse to believe that people are only capable of fulfilling their insecurities by grabbing power and using those around them, taking advantage of their innocence. In the words of Anne Frank: 


"Despite everything I still believe there is good in every person."


I continue onward. Believing a foolish hope in others eyes. This foolish hope that one day someone will take this gift of mine, that I hold to everyone, inviting all to take in its beautiful radiance, and hold it to their heart. Inviting it to drink it in and make their countenance the brightest I have ever seen yet. 

Day 2: Nicknames

I have a few nicknames. Some come because I am Asian :) and others because I'm tiny and short. So here is a list for you: -Asian -The tiny ninja -Kitty -Lala Yes it is short I'm not that cool to have many nicknames haha.

Day 1: A recent picture of yourself and 15 facts

1. I want to have my blood drawn . . . badly.
2. I get scared really easily and am very ticklish. Very.
3. This first two facts lead into this: stay at least a legs length away from me if you don't want any bodily harm to come to you. This is for your own good and for my guilt-prone conscious as well.
4 I am half-Hmong
5.I am stupidly naive and naively stupid
6. I have random bursts of energy, like a 5-year old, that can only be satisfied by running around.  I want to one day just throw whatever it is I am holding and scream at the top of my lungs then proceed to run out of the room like crazy
7. I really want to get in a fist fight but come out unscathed
8. I'm not really 5'1" the nurse told me I was 2 cm off from 5 feet. So yes I've been lying to you this entire time.
9. I speak 2 languages, Hmong and Chinese, but I understand it more then I speak
10. I have a very broad music taste, I will listen to anything . . . except for rap . . . well it depends on the kind of rap. But still rap is crap with a c in front of it.
11. I have a fetish for making stars
12. I love, love, love, love Thai and Korean food. I can live off of those two for the rest of my life
13. I have a secret obsession for Culver's fried cheese curds, churros, and pretzels with cheese.
14. Family and Friends = VERY important to me. Don't mess with them . . .
15. I cry at everything. I'm very emotional. Puppies and rainbows . . . *sniff* they just get to me. No really I cry at happy moments, sad moments, and when I feel the spirit (even if it's a tiny little whisper)

Oh gasp! An extra fact!

16. I took a psychology color personality quiz. I am a blue and white, exactly even.

Blogging Challange . . .

So yes I am succumbing to overgrowth of blogging challenges. I need to blog on the following each day: 

Day 1: Introduction, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts.
Day 2: Nicknames.
Day 3: Your first love.
Day 4: Your parents.
Day 5: What song inspires you.
Day 6: Pet peeves.
Day 7: What makes you happy.
Day 8: A place you’ve traveled to and where else you want to travel.
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend.
Day 10: Something you’re afraid of.
Day 11: A quote you love.
Day 12: Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 13: Goals.
Day 14: A picture of you last year – how have you changed?
Day 15: Death row meal.
Day 16: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.
Day 17: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs.
Day 18: Something you miss.
Day 19: Things you want to say to an ex.
Day 20: Something you wonder “What if…?” about.
Day 21: Something you’re proud of.
Day 22: What do you want your future to be like?
Day 23: Favorite Movies and TV Show.
Day 24: Something you’ve learned.
Day 25: Something you are looking forward to.
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding.
Day 27: Photo of your city.
Day 28: What stresses you out?
Day 29: Who is your hero?
Day 30: A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge.

Here you go . . .

Haha so this took longer then I thought it would. Brittany was right. I had a lot to write :) I think I may require payment by having you guys each write a letter for me . . . haha :) But it was worth it. I was happy the entire time I typed this incredibly long post. I hope you know how special each of you are to me. Whether we know each other well or not. You each have touched my life somehow in someway and changed me for the better. I look to each of you as my example. I hope you enjoy reading these paragraphs about you. I took time to think about what to write. What I think you needed to hear about yourself. Because you all are beautiful (handsome for the men), inside and out :D

Megan Jolley: I miss sitting next to you during AP Pysch! I loved messing with Jason with you :) It was a blast. You are so beautiful and simply a stunning young women. You are also one of the smartest cookies that I know. I love your black leather jacket. I wish I could pull one off. You are so kind to everyone you meet and you don't pass judgement on someone right off the bat. You always make me laugh in class and I enjoy knowing you for these three years in high school :)

Brittany Nielsen: You look gorgeous in red lipstick! I can not for the life of me pull it off. Ever. You are so sweet and quiet-spoken. You have a very tender spirit and are kind to everyone. You have a beautiful voice though you don't show it often :) I enjoy working with you on Chinese Council, though I am the biggest slacker ever! I enjoy being in choir with you though I am now in the Alto section. You always have a positive outlook on life and its really refreshing and helps boost my perspective on life.

Matt Cranford: I miss you! A lot! I remember our conversations from last year. I also remember when I found out you were a computer-mechanic nerd. Total shock to me! (No offense) It just shows how much I still didn't know about you. You are such a sweet guy. You make every person feel special when you talk to them. My friends say that I'm so lucky to know you. And I am. You are handsome studmuffin but you aren't a jerk. You are a nice, sensitive guy and that makes you more attractive :) I'm excited to see where you are going on your mission! I'm locking in my guess with Chinese-speaking . . . somewhere. Maybe Singapore or even Australia. But knowing me it's going to be the opposite. You'll probably end up in Chicago or something if I really lock in my answer, so I just won't lock it in. You'll do amazing on your mission! You have a strong testimony and a strong drive to acheive. It'll bring you far :)

Yennie Nguyen: My fellow Asian :) I'm so glad to get to know you better on Choir tour. You are so sweet and your hair skills are awesome! I'm going to be sad when you leave back for Vietnam when school ends :( But we better keep in contact. We can be penpals :) You also have such a sweet voice that needs to be louder! Don't keep that talent in!

Rachel Smith: Oh Rachel. . . . Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. What to say about you? You are just freaking gorgeous and I love having conversations with you :) I always leave with new insights on life and it just brightens my day and laughter. You are hilarious and headstrong. You do what you want and aren't afraid of it. I admire that quality a lot. You also have this knack of writing stuff that just changes people's lives. No biggie. 'Cause I do that all the time. Give me a pen and I'll write a paragraph that will make you see life different. :) I love your intelligence. Reason being that I can actually talk with you. I don't get the whole "Yo, yo. What's up Sarah?" *shudders* I can't talk with people like that. You also, though you don't like to show it :) care about how others feel. I've seen it. It's hard to but good thing I'm just the innocent, quiet Asian ;) because I saw it. You are sensitive to their feelings but also at the same time just do what you do. So you end up in this battling stage, then drop whatever it is and walk away. I love it! Don't get me started on your voice! Ahhhhhh!!!!! I wish I had it. Period.

Sadie Stokes: You are beautiful inside and out. You are such an example to each of us in Encore. You stand up for what you believe in and everyone can see that. You have really opened up this year and now no longer as shy as the beginning of the year. You are so sweet to everyone and I remember walking in on your red face in the bathroom :) Haha maybe the Vaseline wasn't the greatest idea for everyone. Your voice is very sweet and soft. But you are just amazing and can make it loud. I enjoyed our adventures this year :) I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Jenner Bird: I love working with you! It is a constant source of entertainment for me (ex: locking you in the freezer . . . heh heh heh) I remember having Chinese class with you and how freaking hilarious you were. Then I remembered how disappointed I was that you weren't in Chinese 3 . . . tsk tsk tsk. Oh Jenner I can't wait to see your mission call. I bet right now it's going to be some kind of foreign language involved. Jenner I think you are so funny. I can't be in a bad mood around you. You just have this vibe that slaps people in the face and tells them to be happy. You know what? It works. You are so sweet and considerate to others and I'm so glad that I got to rekindle our friendship when I got this job :)

Samuel Davies: How are you Sam? I hope you are well :) How about your mission-stats? Coming along fine I hope. Gosh I haven't seen you in so, so long. But I still remember you as the person who wrote that very inspiring quote on my lame-excuse "yearbook". I remember you as the person who stood up for what he believed in. I remember as the person who I know I could go to to have my nerd talks :) It is SO refreshing to get out of the whole "like, yo yo, and other grammar things that made me want to shoot myself" I enjoyed our conversations and I learned a lot from it.

Ryan Ditty: You are such a bad influence on me . . . .  *sigh*. . . . Just kidding I think it's funny though :) Ryan so much has happened this past year! So many things! I'm glad that we had our adventures together. I'll never forget them. I remember being so intimidated by you last year in AP Literature :) I still was at the beginning of the year and now you are just a big, harmless teddy bear :) You are one amazing poet! I love your rhyming one. It was really beautiful and, at least for me, thought-provoking. I love having secret Chinese conversations with you :) I love seeing the look on other people's faces when they know we are talking about them but they don't know what. I'm glad to be able to sing with you in Encore. I thank you so much for being there for me when I needed to talk and vent. You are an amazing friend :)

My gangster Uncle Bruce: I think it's funny that all my friends think you are black. But then they comment that you look slightly asian and ask me what happened. You intimidate them and they haven't even met you yet! It's good though, keeps the people I don't like away ;) I miss you so much! I enjoyed hiking Moab with you and True and taking pictures. I won't admit it anyone but I enjoy getting the attention from it ;) I can't wait for this summer when we go to Disneyland. Let's feed Mai more dog biscuits and trick her :) This time let's have the camera ready to capture her in her time of weakness.

Benjamin Perkins: I miss you. Period. Me and Michelle talk we are going to Lagoon again this summer :) Oh Ben you grew so tall ;) I can't believe that it was only 3 years ago that we were sitting together at lunch, while I made fun of you for liking you-know-who ;) Haha so many years have passed and we have grown up from that. You are so kind Ben. You have a sweet spirit and makes people around you feel happy. You are a talented artist and a studmuffin :) I can't wait to see you again!

Brandon Nelson: My Seminary buddy!!!!!!! Oh Brandon how I love you so. I appreciate and thank God everyday for our friendship. You listen to me when I vent and make me laugh. I'm going to request you to do your monkey impersonation for again :) I about peed in my pants. You are such a wonderful person. I love feeling your spirit seep out during Seminary, makes me feel at peace. And also it helps me not to cry. Because, yes, I am one of those bawlers in church :) You have a wonderful voice and you are a splendid dancer. You have to teach me etiquette because that's on my bucket list :) I'm going to miss you next year. I definitely have to come and visit. I will always be your little Asian :)

Miranda Jarman: Oh my talented friend. How is BYU? We need to watch a drama together. Spend an entire day eating Dim Sum and lazying on the couch. :) You are so beautiful! I hope you know that. Inside and most definitely out. You are such an inspiration for me. You are so confident in what you do and I wish I had that. You have a beautiful voice and are a wonderful writer. I love reading your blog. You are so sweet but stern at the same time. You know how to balance the overly positive and seemingly negative traits. Oh I miss you so much! Maybe I'll see you at the Chinese Language fair?

Uncle Robby: You need to visit. Need I say more? Haha I miss your witty comments and jokes. I miss seeing Mai squirm next to you. She has been getting quite chatty and more. . . . loud since you've stopped visiting. We need to fix that. Pronto. Before I go crazy. I hear you have a girlfriend? Oooohhhhh haha I listen in on my mom's Hmong conversations on the phone she has with Sherry. Uncle Robby you are so sweet. You put on a tough, funny exterior but you are just a teddy bear :) I miss talking with you and yes . . . I miss the teasing to :)

Emily Wirick: I love that you moved into our ward :) You just fit right in perfectly. You have such a sweet spirit about you and are very considerate towards others feelings. You are beautiful. Soooooooo beautiful, inside and out! Your piano skills are just . . . wow. Noteworthy (haha see the pun there?!). Also your voice is just amazingly wonderful. I'm jealous. You have amazing t.v. show tastes (a.k.a. Once upon a Time, Psych). You also stand up for what you believe and you live it. You are the same at church and at school, a very noble quality for many people act differently in different places and you never know who they are. But you know who you are, you are confident in what you do and I admire that so much :) My fellow Laurel I'm going to miss you when I go off to college.

Angel Torgerson: My emo sister . . . . *sigh* What to say about you? I love you very much. You and me are on opposite ends of the spectrum yet have so many things in common. I love going shopping with you despite your annoying tendency to sweet talk mommy into getting your size of a piece of clothing that I want. I enjoy playing Dokopon Kingdom with you, even though you get angry at me for winning :) and then proceed to start the game over. You are so sweet even though you hide it behind your tough exterior. You have been such an example to me. You are also very beautiful and are confident in what you do. You are so special to me. I don't know what I would do without you. You are simply wonderful. You have so much ahead Angel. I hope you realize that. You have so much potential to rise above everything that comes your way. Learn from my mistakes. I think that's why God put me in this family first :) That or either he knows I would be stronger then you so I came first to teach you the lessons you need to know :)

Shay Stockstad: You are simply wonderful! You always have a happy attitude in everything you do. I enjoy going to work knowing I get to talk with you. You have a beautiful, powerful voice that I am jealous of. I also think that you are also a beautiful actress. Shay you have cheered me up so many times throughout the year that I can't even count it all. I enjoy being in A'Capella and Encore with you. It has been such an adventurous year that I'm glad I took this road. You notice people when they are lonely and you cheer them up. You are sensitive to other people's feelings, unless you are riled up! Haha I love you Shay :)

Noah Lee: My dear little albino friend. I've never had a more white friend then you. . . . :) Just Kidding. I love you Noah. When I found out you were David's little brother I had to do a double take. You look like him . . . but not. You are your own individual person :) It's great getting to know you this year. You are so sweet and a talented ukuleliest . . . if that is what you call it . . . I enjoyed tour and plotting with Liz' on what to put on our love notes ;) You are an amazing singer. I never got to see Big all the way trough but what I did get to see was amazing! You are uber talented in ways I wish I was. You always have a smile on your face. You have the ability to brighten anyone's day up!

Tanesha Rae: I miss you! Quite a lot actually! I love your sense of humor. You are very witty and quick to turn any situation into a humorous one. I hope you are doing well and enjoying life. I miss hearing your voice in choir but I know you left for the better. You did what was best for you. You are so sweet. People look at me weirdly when I say that so maybe it's just me. But I look at it this way. Be nice to her and she will be nice to you. Simple enough. Same applies for me :)

Ali Kesha :) Houghten: I enjoyed tour together. Dancing in front of the window while the chaperones passed by :) You are so beautiful! I love your voice as well. Everyday as you sing behind me I just wish I had that voice. You are so freaking smart and I don't know how you balance your life. So many activities and whatnot! I admire your confidence and your sweet spirit. You know what you want to do and that's not something many people have. You go foreword with determinism and purpose, nothing, I think, will ever stop you!

Elisabeth Daniels: My dear friend :) Ah! This year has been such an adventure! I am going to miss your freaking guts when we graduate and go our separate ways. It seems as if it were just the beginning of the year and we just became kindred spirits. I'm sad we won't go to New York but we can have our own adventures. Maybe we can go horseback riding like you said ;) Let's just enjoy ourselves. I can't wait for our pop concert when we release our inner voices that no one has ever heard before :) Let's shock them all! You are so funny! Very humorous! Combined with my natural tendency to do embarrassing things and your ability to just go out there, we make quit the pair :) You are also so attractively beautiful! When you get to college boys are going to line up outside your dorm ;) You are so sweet and kind. You are honest and a secret-keeper. I'm so happy that I get the chance to be your friend :)

Michael Boyd: My Chinese Buddy! I enjoyed going to Sadies with you and the date to see "Handing Down the Names". They were both fun and splendid! You are so smart! AP Physics and Chinese? Yes that is a tomb right there. You an amazing dancer! I'm so jealous! But alas I don't have the coordination for that so I just have to settle for watching amazing people dance. You are so sweet :) and caring. You have wonderful piano playing skills. You are just the perfect person. Your spirit is so calming yet very exciting. You are hilarious in class. I only go to Chinese for you boys. Though I don't know why you need me there. I just put you guys off topic and distract the class :)

Brenner Remund: You are such a sweet guy. I've heard that that is not what guys want to hear but you are. It's a good thing! You are smart and confident in what you do. I don't remember very well classes we had together. I haven't seen you in so long. But I remember you standing up for what you believe in. You're not afraid and that is a very admirable trait :)

Samantha Cunningham: You are so pretty :) And I enjoy talking to you. We need to hang out. Seriously. That is if you can make room for little 'ol stupid me in your smart lair :) You radiate such a confidence that I wish everyday I had. You love the gospel and stand up for it in everything you do. You have this wonderful spirit that makes me feel peaceful and at rest when I talk to you. I hope you realize how wonderful you are! You are the perfect women. Sweet, funny, caring, kind, smart. Gosh. College is going to be fun for you ;)

Brooklyn Thorpe: Oh my little Beehive :) You are so sweet and quiet! We need to bring you out of your shell more okay? Okay. You have such a sweet spirit and I enjoy listening to you talk during church. I learn a lot and you are such an example to me. It's true. I hope you enjoy Young Women's. It's the best years of your life. But also the hardest. Learn from it. Grow. don't let it bring you down. Honestly I don't know how you survive with your brothers. Yes they can be sweet but they are boys. I admire you for your endurance against such a hard trial ;) When you reach high school . . . your father better buy a gun. You are already beautiful right now. Growing up you are going to be even more so :) Hold on to your knowledge of who you are. It will save you. I say it every time in Young Women's so I mean it. Don't ever let that go!

Tristen Stevens: My flirtatious cousin. Oh how I've missed you. We need to catch a movie together or something. With you entering high school next year and turning 16 there is still so much I must teach you my young cricket :) Haha I can never be in a sour mood around you. It's impossible. You are such a studmuffin and with your good looks and my guidance, you are going to be quite popular with the ladies ;) Not that you aren't already from what I hear. You are so funny and sarcastic. Everyone needs someone like you in their lives to just make them laugh senseless. It's healthy and I'm lucky to have a friend like you.

Cassidy Ray: You are stunning! Don't listen to what others say. You are amazing :) I'm glad to get to know you this year. I'm so happy that I'm your friend. I hope you know how much I am jealous of your voice and clothing. And your guitar playing skills . . . and everything that you are. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are so sweet and I don't know what I would do without you :)

Sarah Kala Crandall: You have a beautiful first name ;) I enjoy reading your blog. Your spirit just radiates off the computer screen. Just imagine me talking with you, it's like a force field slamming into me! You are so smart! So, so, so, so, so smart! You are also so freaking gorgeous. Beautiful, inside and out! I appreciate your friendship for these past 3 years. You have been such an example to me and when I grow up I want to be just like you! :) There are no words to explain how incredible you are. When you are famous I can say I know you :)

Leia Fish Lotulelei: In Miranda's words "You were just dropped into Encore!" You have an amazing voice! I remember when you first sang for us, every girl's heart in the room melted with fine chocolate. You fit right into our group and it was as if we knew you our entire lives! You are also freaking hilarious. You provide tons of entertainment in Encore :) I am jealous of how outgoing you are. You have such confidence in yourself that people spend lifetimes trying to find. I'm happy to know you :)

Tyson Hillock: My EMT friend. I remember when Tyler first introduced me to you I thought you were weird. That didn't last long so don't fret! Haha you are one of the smartest people I know. If I ever need heart surgery I know who to go to . . . that is if you pass your tests in the future . . . Which you well so no fret :) I don't think I have words to describe you except for friend. A true friend. You have done so much for me and "thanks-you's" will never be enough. You are a strong young man and I can't wait to see where it is you will serve your mission. :)

What to do, what to do?

I have so many decisions to make. . . .  so, so many.

It's literally drowning me.

I love writing. So much. I want to get better and to get better . . . you have to write more and spend your time doing it.

I can't write and do my medical stuff.

I'm taking EMT right now at MATC and I love it!

After the class, if I pass the state test, I can work in the emergency room.

While doing that I want to write. But both takes time.

I could take both. Get degrees in both my passions.

But I'm going to kill myself and is it really what I am suppose to do.

I have to choose.

But how do you choose between your two loves?

How do you choose between the two things that make you happy?

I could be a nurse who writes. Or a writer who does nursing on the side. Or I could be a nurse who likes to write. . . .

I don't know. I want both. So badly.

I want to write a book. I want people to read my writings and say "Wow!" But to do that I need a degree in writing. I need to get better.

I want to help people. I want to comfort them. Cry with them. Empathize with them. I want to heal. I feel this is my calling. To do that I need a nursing degree.

What to do, what to do?

Who we want to be, Who we need to be.

I believe that in our lives it is important to find balance. Balance between who we want to be and who we need to be. 

Let me tell you who I want to be:

I want to be a 5'8" model. I want to have green eyes. I want to be known as the nicest person to ever live (give Mother Theresa a run for her money). I want to be the kind of person who can learn something and remember it for the rest of my life. I want a photographic memory. I want to be photogenic. I want to be so good that you can't help but love me. I want to be athletic. I want to run a mile in 6 minutes. I want to be graceful in everything I do. I want my singing voice to be angelic that it brings tears to peoples eyes. I also want my singing voice to be like a black person's, strong, controlled, and powerful. I want to lift the soda boxes at work without struggling. I want to be able to lift at least 100 lbs. at the gym on all the machines. I want to dance and be so darn good at it that So You Think You Can Dance is just an amateur show for me. I want to know the scriptures like the back of my hand. I want to look at Isaiah and say "Piece of Cake!". I want to be so spiritual that people standing next to me feel it instantly, just like an Apostles. I want to be so freaking hilarious. I want to be able to crack jokes left and right. 

I want so many more things but alas you don't want to read it and none of it is either impossible or at least near to it.

This is who I really am: 

I am 5 feet. I have brown eyes that have a red-auburn tint to it. I am nice but I can never measure up to Mother Theresa or Ghandi's level of incredible kindness. I actually have to study over and over again if I want to remember things. Photogenic memory out the door. I can barely remember what I wore or ate yesterday. Photogenic, also out the door. I have to try to look good in pictures but still a fail. I wish I am a naturally lovable person. Alas I have haters and I'm not that good. Me, athletic? Oh no I can barely run a mile without dying. You are talking to a girl who trips over air, graceful is out the door. Unless you count falling gracefully :) My voice is average. Not bad but not amazing. Still a wonder how I got into Encore. I struggle with the soda boxes at work. Every time a co-worker walks in on me lifting something, they make a dead sprint towards me. I can barely do 20 lbs at the gym. Pathetic. I can't dance. Period. I suck. Nothing will ever change that. I read the scriptures and I know which ones I like but . . . I can't for the life of me remember where they are. I look at Isaiah and beg for mercy. I know I'm a spiritual person but . . . I'm not good at emanating it. I'm not funny. I think I am but I'm not. My actions sure are, I'm naive. That's all you need to know.


So yes. That's who I am, at least a tibit of it. 


Who do I need to be?


I have an idea but I also have no idea. 


Who we need to be is a life-long process. As humans there is always room for improvement. There is always lessons that can be learned. 


The first step to discovering what you are capable of is this:


Accept who you are. 


I will never be graceful. No. I'm too clumsy for that. I will never be 5'8", unless I get a very painful surgery done. I will never be photogenic. Nor will I ever be a model. I will never have green eyes. I will never be able to sing wonderfully or dance like those amazing dancers on So You Think You Can Dance. 


But I love it. 


It's who I am. 


I love being short. The hugs are like Teddy-bear hugs every time. People have a natural tendency to want to protect me because I'm so tiny. I love my brown eyes that when sun shines on it, gets an auburn tint in it. I love my brown hair that shines red in the sun. I love taking pictures, if I am ready, despite it turning out odd. My voice sucks but I love singing anyways. People will just have to deal with it. I can't dance but I love ballroom. I will never be graceful but I do admit I fall with style. I am very ticklish. VERY ticklish. I can't decide if it's a good thing or not. Still deciding that factor. I love reading the scriptures, despite my very sad excuse for a memory. I have made wonderful friends with the wall and floor. It is a friendship that will never be severed. Our bond is a strong one :)


Oh I have lots to improve on. 


But I'm willing to just live life and continue on with my progress. 


But in the end there is one important thing to know: 


We have to be able to, at any moment, sacrifice who we are for who can become. 


And there is so much all of us can become. If we were able to see the future oh how fast we will change. Because we will see a beautiful future. We will see the wondrous us. We will see what we need to become in order to fulfill that empty void in all of us that we strive our whole lives to fill. That empty void of satisfaction with who we are. 


But alas we can't. So we have to be content with the fact that we are who we are. And who we are is us on a journey. 

My first kiss went a little like this . . .

So it happened. Yes it did. The day finally came and you know what?

I don't regret it.

At all.

It happened over the weekend at work. I was on break with Madison and after she left, a certain person approached me. We talked and just like the movies said the fireworks came.

It just happened. Unexpectedly. I didn't even know what the crap was going on until five seconds after.

It was nice :)

Now all you are curious as to who this person is I bet.

This mysterious person is . . . .

*drum roll*

*more drum rolls*

No one. :)

Yes you read right. No one.

I'm just kidding. Did I scare anyone? If not I probably made you curious because who names their blog post this title and as many of you know:

I've not had my first kiss yet.

Nope.

Not at all and I'm proud of it.

Please, like I would put my mouth to some nasty boys lips.

Who know's where they have been . . .

*shudders*

No. My first kiss is going to be with my husband. He already called it even if he doesn't know it right now.

It's funny learning when other kids my age already have had their first kiss. And are fine kissing left and right.

Don't get me wrong. It's perfectly fine. I'm not judging or anything. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I love hearing my friends stories about their kiss with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I think its sweet and makes me want to hurry up and find my future husband.

It's just that my mom taught me growing up that a kiss is something very special. In the Hmong culture if you even kiss a person you have to marry them.

If that didn't scare me just growing up with my "Once upon a time" imagination encouraged me to save my lips for someone special.

I know that my future husband will probably have kissed many girls. Totally fine. I'll just guilt him like my mother does with my dad :)

I know many people say that they regret their first kiss. I don't want to regret mine. So the key solution is to just save it. Or if you wouldn't mind kissing, make sure it's the right person.

Call me an idiot or look at me weirdly but hey, I'm a dreamer. A big one and I won't settle for less.

P.S. I would totally be fine if I was kissed on stage for a play or performance of some kind :) That's my guilty thought process around this :D

Laugh at yourself.

If anyone knows me then they know that I have an ability to laugh at myself. I guess you can call it a talent but I just am not afraid to admit that I am a big dork. This week has been full of those dorky moments more then usual but I can look back and laugh. So let me tell you stories of embarrassment about little 'ol me:


1. This past Sunday I did something that I don't think I can live down. It's pretty bad. It starts out with my dysfunctional father telling me that the youth session of Stake Conference was at 8 then my mother telling my sister it was at 7:30. I was still half-asleep and getting ready at 7:30 when my sister rushed in telling me we were late. We get there around 7:45ish and I peek through the doors and see that it is full. Not wanting to disturb the talk I decide to go through the back. At the sound of my sister's heels meeting the gym floor heads turn to stare at us. We sit but they continue to keep staring. All I could think was Rude . . . 


Then I realized one thing . . . 


It was all men. . . 

I had just interrupted the Priesthood session and while the Stake President was giving a talk and it was during a spiritual part . . 


Oh Crap.


I turn red and promptly make for the door as fast as I can with my sister, who was oblivious to everything, whispering at me, asking where the crap I was going. 


I turn back around to see my Stake President turning red, trying hard not laugh while trying to finish off the very, very spiritual story he was in the middle of giving. 


Later on after the youth session, which was at 8:30 mind you, my Stake President shook my hand and made a comment that very slightly referred to my mistake that morning. 


Gosh he made it sound like I wanted to go to a meeting filled with stinky boys learning how to be more gentlemen-like . . . 


2. We were at a restraunt. I had just come out from the restroom and I sat down at a table. I was texting someone very avidly, not aware of my surrondings. Then a voice spoke out


"Um that isn't your seat." I was confused. Why would my family say that to me. I look up to find that it wasn't my family but another family of Asians. 


My family was in the corner laughing their heads of. Worst thing was I've been sitting there for 5 minutes and they said nothing to me.


Jerks.


3. This happened while I was alone. It's not that bad but still pretty embaressing. It was super windy. I get out of my car and quickly move out of the way before the wind shuts my car door furiously and basically kills me. I get up and walk but I can't move. I'm stuck. My shoe is stuck on the ground. I could twist and slide but it wouldn't move from the certain spot. For 5 minutes I'm out in the freezing cold before I realized something. My dress had got caught on the door. I wasn't frozen to the ground. The car was trying to eat my dress. 


4. I can't go cross-eyed. My whole life I've gone knowing that I could. People laughed at me but who doesn't. I laugh at other people who go cross-eyes. 
No.
The real reason they laughed is because my left eye goes down and my right eye does this weird dance in my eyelid. 
If I'm feeling extra nice one day, you can ask me to show you :)


5. I can't control my body when I am being tickled. People have been victims of my uncontrollable abuse. Adam Mosely got punched where it counts. And some poor boy I do not know had my big EMT book thrown into his body, sandwiching him into a wall. He was basically bug who got squished by a fly-swatter. Plus plenty of other people. I also get scared easily. Way to easily. You can stand next to me and still scare me. My reactions are sometimes . . . . let's say embarrassing. 


6. There is more but I'm lazy to type anymore. Just ask I have plenty. My embarrassing stories have given people prank-ideas to do to other poor, innocent creatures. 


But I've learned to laugh at myself because yeah it's embarrassing but . . . in my sick, twisted manner of thinking, as a friend tells me, it makes others laugh. I like making people happy. Though I refuse to intentionally go do something to embarrass myself. It has to happen naturally. And it it happens. It happens :)

You are not who you are.

I watched as they unfolded their face.

A mask.

A gasp of horror rose from my mouth.

But not a horror in the sense of fear.

It was horror in the sense of betrayal and a loss of what I thought was a kindred spirit.

They just shook their heads at me and nodded at me to take off mine.

So I went for it. Beneath was the same thing. Again and again, all my masks of emotion and situation were the same.

I thought you were who you were. But it wasn't so.

You thought I was who I was. It was so.

I just beat you but I had to spill my soul for you.