Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Everything is going to be okay . . .

So my life has been hectic. Between school, thinking about college, home duties, and getting laid off from my job I have stress upon stress built on top of me. Yes you read it right. I got laid off my job . . . It was hard and frustrating. I walk into the store 15 minutes early for my shift and work for five minutes. Then I get called to the back. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew what was going to happen. But I denied it until the battle of know's and denial left me feeling numb. Then as she said "We feel you weren't good at customer service Sarah." A new feeling came up inside of me. A feeling I had not felt in so long because of how sick it made me feel. Anger.

I hate that emotion. I feel as if I have to focus my energy on the source of my anger and not on life. It wastes time and energy and is never worth it. But that was how I was feeling at that moment. I stared at her, smiled and told her "It's alright I already have another job prospect. Thank you." I turned around, grabbed my bag, holding back tears of humiliation. The other girls knew. They had known when I walked into the store what was going to happen and they sneered at me. What made me even more angry was that "customer service" was an excuse. Another girl was hired. Daughter to the manager of the building. Hired on as an Assistant Manager as a first job. Bad customer service was a lame and sad excuse to lay me off. 

I broke down crying as soon as I got into the car. My phone coming into my hand on instinct and dialing my Best Friend and Cousin's number. Voicemail instituted more tears. As I drove home my phone rang and my cousin answered my prayers. We just breathed through the phone for a long period of time. Just knowing she was there made me feel much better. She left me with the advice of praying. Praying about everything and having some of the load lifted off. It was cold but I went to a park and sat on the swings. Crying about everything stupid in my life. School, College, and how life takes so much effort. However as soon as I said that prayer, a warm hug was given to my soul. I was bitterly cold from the rain physically but on the inside I was warm. 

I then could think coherently and I though hard. For the pst two weeks I kept having this nagging feeling that I needed to apply for another job now. I told that feeling it was stupid and that it needed to go away. It didn't. It nagged even more. Then I had my mother nagging me. So I applied for another job. Then I got "laid off". It definitely wasn't a coincidence. God knew this was going to happen and he warned me. I am glad I listened to that nagging voice and the voice of my mother. 

For me when I break down, I can't do it alone. However, I hate dumping troubles on other people. I like listening to others and helping them but I hate doing it to them. So I sat alone at the park. Then I had an overwhelming urge to pick up my phone and text my friend. A friend who I had not talked to in so long. A friend who I considered a jerk at the moment. But I texted him and we ended up meeting at the park. We talked about life. And it ended with me crying into his arms for an hour in the rain and setting sun. 

That was an answer to my needy prayer at that moment. I needed someone to hold me and Heavenly Father sent someone. Was it my first choice, oh no it wasn't. However, it happened for a reason. Maybe to rekindle our dying friendship or to let go of the title "jerk" I had placed on him. Maybe both.

I write this not to have pity but to send a message. Everything will be okay. I had known this from the beginning and never doubted it but at the moment everything was just let out. Life is an endless ride. Cliche simile I know but it's so true. All we can do is go about with our lives filled with hope and dreams. All we can do is become the best we can be. All we can do is live. I don't want to look back on life and remember falling apart and becoming angry at everything that happens to me. I want to remember being a happy person who had an outlook on life that was annoyingly bright. I want to be remembered as being a joyful, quirky soul. I will just laugh when someone puts me down. I won't argue back. It's not in my nature. It takes too much effort and besides, I don't care. I know who I am. And no one can change that. This "laid off" business was just a minor setback. I broke down and released long-kept tension. Now I am free-flying and I'm going to succeed. I'm going to live life and I'm going to love it.

So my dear blog readers. Live. Find your purpose. Get you patriarchal blessing. Who you want to be and what you can be is posted all over that piece of white paper. Read it. Cherish it. Live it. 

Feeling better,
Sarah E. Torgerson

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