Friday, March 30, 2012

My foolish trust

To everyone I know I have this naivety about me that allows me to give my undying trust to everyone I meet. 

However I have the biggest trust issues. Everyday feelings and thoughts of distrust flow through me. 

I am a easy-flow kind of girl. I go with the flow and do what is asked of me. You can go ahead boss me around I don't care. It's your problem. I know who I am. I know my standards. I just don't like being in charge. You never know who likes your rule or not. And I rather be in everyones good books. 

But because of this characteristic of mine, people walk over me. They take advantage of me. They use me. They do whatever the crap they can to control me. 

Distrust sets in. Anger. Frustration at being walked over. Looked over despite all my efforts to please. Despite all my efforts, what I do is given to someone else to take credit for. 

Despite all these things I continue to give them my trust. Distrust will knock on my heart all it wants but I won't let it in. 


Why do I continue to believe they are good when obviously they don't care for anything but the power they can grab hold of?

Why do I continue to live as if no injustice has happened?

Why, why, why?

I ask myself this every time. This thing has been going on for years. I have seen good, kind people show their ugly, true face when they are given the opportunity to be in charge. They want to feel important, don't we all? However I don't want to grab that attention that way. 

I feel pathetic. Oh how stupid. How ridiculous. 

The only answer I can come up with is that I . . . don't want to always see the evil in everyone. I want to see the good. No matter how tiny, no matter if it doesn't even exist. I want to see it. I refuse to believe that people are only capable of fulfilling their insecurities by grabbing power and using those around them, taking advantage of their innocence. In the words of Anne Frank: 

"Despite everything I still believe there is good in every person."

I continue onward. Believing a foolish hope in others eyes. This foolish hope that one day someone will take this gift of mine, that I hold to everyone, inviting all to take in its beautiful radiance, and hold it to their heart. Inviting it to drink it in and make their countenance the brightest I have ever seen yet. 

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